My List

Yesterday was the most terrible day of my life. I don't ever want to leave you. I thought you're feelings may change, maybe you may not look at me the same way again. That worried me as I sat at the concert. I could not focus. I was there with my cousin and Brinthy but I hardly paid attention to them. But I decided, I will not be ashamed of myself any longer. I will be a better person and be more of all those good qualities I know I can be. I refuse to be scared of facing you. I have given you more of myself than any person. I don't want any of that which I gave back. I want you to have them and not see me as perfect, but just as some guy. But that some guy cherishes you. That some guy will only cherish you. You are to his eyes still perfect. You are the only person he can love.

I truly am sorry for the harm I have done. To think I could hurt the only girl I have loved in this way, to make her question her past year like this, that makes me sick the most. But I will not allow you to question my love for you. I tried to look at my memories, I looked at our videos and the gifts you gave me. I love you, there is no denying. Maybe it's harder to see for me your love for me because you think I am not the same guy. But I love you. But as I said, my fate is sealed. I will love you. It cannot be helped. If you stop loving me, perhaps that will change. But I don't want it to. I am quite certain if you stop talking to me, I will continue to love you.

I cannot bear you so sad. I don't want you to be so sad you must cut your hair. I want you to feel my love for you and hope it will cheer you up. I do not see you as difficult or stubborn, I have never thought about it (except when you refuse to look at me when I just want to feed you some air cake). You are as lovely as ever to me. I don't notice those characteristics you may/may not have. I only see the reasons I love you. Maybe that is why I feel I am not good enough for you. But if you love me, then I will not question whether I am good enough or not. I don't want you to be so sad or cry so much. All this while I have just wanted to hug you.

I do feel the distance sometimes between us, but it does not depress me as much as you. I still feel overwhelming affection, and even one text by you when I don't expect it is enough to cheer me up. The distance is hard, but I am yours. That is not going to change by physical distance. As to 'mental' distance, if we are honest with each other, it will not be so bad. That's why I always 'drown' you in my affection, so you have some idea of what is going through my mind- my endless affection for you.

I don't want to do this separation. If you keep wanting to test this relationship, I will do as you wish. But I want you to stop it, text me and return online. If you feel that way, I will be online instantly or text instantly. But if this is necessary, I will understand that.

As for the list, you are on my list. There is 'Love Ton'. But because I can't communicate with you, it says 'Love Ton- blog'. So I will return to this blog. I will wait. I have waited my whole life to meet you, it will take more than this to allow you to leave my heart. I am here. Waiting for you.

Please don't cry sweetheart. Send me a picture yourself with short hair, it will look adorable I bet. Be strong sweetheart. I am here for you.